I kept Clifford blocked for several weeks after I dreamed of an ultrasound. I had a lot of love for Clifford, but the reality was he was a bum. Not only was Clifford a bum, but he was also an addict, and as much as I loved Clifford I could not put up with his addict behavior. Clifford constantly made little promises that he never kept. For example, he would tell me that he wanted to take me on a date to a fancy restaurant, and we would never go anywhere. It was like he would forget what he promised me, and then promise me the same thing again a week later. I believe all a man really has is his word, and I can’t handle a man just lying to me. I gave Clifford the benefit of the doubt that maybe he wasn’t a liar, and maybe it was the drugs affecting his memory, but that excuse became old fast. The truth was Clifford was a lying addict. He couldn’t take me to dinner, because he needed the lobster money for his pills addiction.
Clifford’s number remained blocked in my phone. I unfollowed him on social media and marked his messages spam on Facebook. However, one morning I began receiving back to back calls from a number I did not recognize so I did not answer. The number left a voicemail and it was Clifford.
The voicemail stated “Please call me back bae this is Mookie. I really need to talk to you. I’m really having a bad day and I just need you to tell me that you love me and that you care about me. I just want to come lay under you, and have you hold me. Please call me back I love you bae”.
The voicemail showed that it lasted for 4 minutes, and Clifford only talked to me for about 1 minute in a half. The rest of the voicemail stated “Bae please wake up I need someone to talk to bae. Please wake up and tell me you love me I need to hear it”.
Another voice responded to Clifford and stated “Bae I’m up. Do you want that 5 dollars?” the unknown female responded. I couldn’t see her face because it was a voicemail, but she sounded cracked out I mean high out of her mind. I could tell that she wasn’t sleep she nodded off. Her voice was raspy like she smoked cigarettes since she came out the womb. From the sound of her voice I could tell she was an older woman.
Clifford really called my phone at 7am in the morning 12 times high out his mind while he was home with “bae”. He was so high out his mind early in the morning that he forgot to hang up the phone. I didn’t return his call I just forwarded the message back to him so that he could hear how cracked out he sounded and then I blocked the number. I didn’t need him to explain to me what I already heard. I just wanted to let Clifford and “bae” enjoy their time being the broke untalented Bobby and Whitney.
Two months after Clifford called my phone high out his mind with “bae” I finally felt like I was home free no more addict drama. However, like before Clifford reached out to me again. He called and texted me from a different number. He told me that his homeboy was shot 11 times, and the shooting really affected him. Clifford stated that he just wanted to talk to me in person, and that he loved me. He stated that he just wanted to be up under me, and he wanted me to hold him. I told myself that I was done with Clifford, but something in his voice made me change my mind. He sounded like he was really hurting, and that made me whip out my caption save an addict cap. I told him that he could come over my house, and I would hold him.
As much as I wanted to dismiss Clifford something would not let me. I kept saying to myself that I should left Clifford back into my life. I also told myself that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if Clifford overdosed or killed himself, because I didn’t let him come to my house. Clifford sounded bad, and I could tell him was high out of his mind, and I could also tell that he was really hurting.
Clifford came over my house and he cried as I held him. He told me about how his friend got shot, and he told me that he wished his was there to protect his friend.
I wanted to say “sir you are high out of your mind 24/7 even if you were there it was nothing you could have done”, but I didn’t say anything.
I just wiped his tears and held him. I prayed over him, and just asked God to send Clifford back to rehab. I tried to send Clifford sober and positive thoughts and vibes. I knew I couldn’t fix Clifford as much as I would have loved to fix him. A part of me felt like Clifford wanted me to fix him as well. I felt like Clifford always returned to me when he was down bad like I was his safety net.
I didn’t like feeling like captain save an addict. I didn’t like that Clifford was using me for my aura and my healing nature. Whenever Clifford was down bad he somehow found his way back to me, and I somehow let him back in every time and I hated that. However, as much as I hated being Clifford’s safety net I couldn’t stop myself from being there. I loved Clifford, and I just wanted the best for him. I hated our relationship there were too many unhealthy up and downs, but a part of me felt like I needed Clifford just as much as he needed me. The relationship felt toxic, hurtful, draining, and somewhat fated. Like I was fated to meet Clifford.
Clifford stated at my house the night when his friend was shot, and then we didn’t talk again. Once again I blocked Clifford’s new number. I told myself that I was no longer going to let Clifford use me or my aura. I wasn’t giving Clifford money, and we still did not have sex so I knew he wasn’t using me for sex or money, and my aura is too expensive to just give to anyone.
I decided to have a reading performed by a tarot card reader. She advised me that Clifford was my twin flame, and that I was right the relationship was fated. She actually said “he is your twin flame and you will be together, but he’s a piece of work”. She also advised me that Clifford would overcome his drug addiction, but the path to sobriety would not be an easy one. She stated that once he actually took the steps to overcome his addiction he would be it and never use again. She stated that I was more advance spiritually and mentally (as far as growth” than Clifford. She stated that no matter how many times Clifford and I tried to end the relationship or end our connection we would also somehow end up back together. She stated that she saw our union and there would be a lot of love and marriage.
A twin flame is an intense soul connection, sometimes called a “mirror soul,” thought to be a person’s other half. It’s based on the idea that sometimes one soul gets split into two bodies. One of the main characteristics of a twin flame relationship is that it will be both challenging and healing. This is due to the mirroring nature of a twin flame; they show you your deepest insecurities, fears, and shadows. But they also help you overcome them and vice versa.
Signs that you are in a twin flame relationship are:
1. When you met, there was an instant recognition.
2. You’re very similar, and complement each other.
3. The relationship is tumultuous, and very intense.
4. You keep coming back together.
After the reading I felt I understood why I met Clifford. I just wasn’t sure I was prepared to enter another tumultuous relationship so I kept Clifford blocked. However two weeks after the reading Clifford reached out to me again via social media. He stated “So you really aren’t going to call me or text me. I miss you and I keep thinking about you I don’t know what it is”. I saw his message but I didn’t respond. Instead of responding I just smiled to myself and shook my head. Clifford was thinking about me and I was thinking about him. We didn’t speak, but I continued to pray for Clifford.
A week after the message on social media one again Clifford reached out to me from another number via text.
“I want to be with you, I really love you, but I have a question” he said
“What is your question” I responded. I was not about to tell him I loved him or even feed into that statement.
“Can you handle my heroin abuse” he responded.
As soon as I read heroin abuse my heart sank. I thought Mookie was popping a few perk here and there, but heroin that was too much to take in because heroin is a hell of a drug. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, and I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t respond right away. 15 minutes after admitting to using heroin and asking me to deal with his hardcore drug addictions Clifford texted me again.
“Are you thinking is that why you didn’t respond” he said like he watched me read the message.
“Sir are you asking me to help you get treatment for your addiction or are you asking for a relationship with me, you and your addiction?” I responded.
“You and I and my addiction. I want to be with you. I love you and I don’t want to hide the true extent of my addiction from you any longer” he replied.
Once again I was lost for words.
“Sir I know that you’ll beat your addiction and look back and won’t even to believe that you fucked with heroin” I replied generically. The tarot card reader advised me that Clifford would beat his addiction and I just told him it was going to happen. I didn’t know what else to say.
Two hours after I sent the last message Clifford finally responded.
“Help me Kadejah I don’t want to hurt you I have a habit and that is why I do some of the things I do. I just need you to help me please” he said.
I once again didn’t respond right away to his text. I already knew that Clifford wanted to be around me because he felt a healing connection with me. He told me once before that his soul felt at ease around me. I didn’t say it but my soul felt easy around Clifford. Clifford was the only man that I allowed to stay the night over my house. He was the only man that I could fall asleep next to and really sleep through the night. There was a strong connection that Clifford and I shared, and I couldn’t see him hurting and not try to help him.
Once again I through on my caption save an addict cape, and let Clifford back into my life and my home. Clifford came over and once again he slept in my bed and I held him as he cried. He told me he wanted to get his life back together, and he wanted me to be a part of his recovery. He told me that he didn’t want to be with another female just me, and that his addiction was the issue in our relationship. Once again he made me promises that he and I knew that he couldn’t keep.
After being at my home for 2 weeks I decided to through a kick back and invite some family over my house. There was food, drinks, and a good time. Clifford and I drank D’Usse out the bottle with my friends and family, and I was having such a good time.
However then out of nowhere Clifford changed. He got up from the couch and I could see that he had his gun is his pocket and the red dot was on and everyone in the room saw it. No one else in my home was armed so I wasn’t sure why Clifford felt like he needed his gun in an unarmed party in the suburbs. He was doing too much and bringing negative attention to his self for no reason.
“Why are you walking through my house with a gun?” I asked angrily.
“I’m a real street dude I can never be too safe. I don’t know your family and your brother is talking crazy” he said.
“Sir you’re doing too much playing “mr. gangsta gansta” right now and I’m over it this shit ain’t cool. This is why your dumbass mugshot is all over the news and google. You do too much and bring unnecessary attention to yourself and that shit is weak ass fuck” I said annoyed.
“I’m a street dude and you knew that” he said drunk out of his mind slurring his words.
“Sir please save me the Amazon gangster impersonation. You’re acting like you are an actor in a straight to BET or Amazon hood movie and that shit is clowned out for real. You are not the first street guy I ever dealt with but you’re the first to pull this goofy ass shit. Gangsta move in silence sir and you are loud and goofy. You 6’4 my brother is 5’5 and unarmed. Why the fuck do you need a gun you’re a fucking weirdo. This is real life you not on set my guy” I said. I needed him to know that he was a clown. I needed him to know that the reason he spent so many years in jail was because he did too much. He brought all the misfortune to his life trying to act like an extra on the Godfather. He was just goofy.
“I didn’t want to be around your friends and family I just want to be with you. I’ll put the gun away let’s just go to sleep” he said.
He put the gun away and we went to sleep. I left all my guest in the other room to continue the party, but I stayed in the room with Clifford. I was drunk and horny and wanted so sex, but Clifford fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed.
I used my toy and played with myself until I fell asleep. I realized that I hadn’t had sex in a while and momma needed a release.
Clifford woke up the next morning at 6 am still drunk. He said he needed to wash his clothes because he had a job to do.
“OK but when you comeback can you play in my pussy I’m horny as hell” I said still drunk and horny. I masturbated before I went to sleep and I was still horny. That D’Usse will having you drunk and wanting to make a baby. Clifford and I hadn’t had sex ever and I needed some dick.
“Yea I’m going to put my clothes in the washing machine and then Daddy is going to put this D in you” he said corny. I didn’t care how corny was as long as he gave me long D.
However when Clifford came back to the room he just got in bed next to me and turned the television on to ESPN.
“O hell no I thought to myself, as I took my panties off”.
I was only wearing a small undershirt so I pulled my double D breast out and start playing with my nipples. I was determined to get the D because I was drunk, horny, and aggressive. “You like them” I said trying to so seductive as I continued to play with my breast. Touching myself was making me horny, and I could feel the wetness between my legs.
Clifford looked at my titties out and he began to smile.
“You do have some sexy ass titties. They’re perfect” he said as he squeezed on of my breast.
“Suck them” I instructed. Before Clifford could say anything else I shoved my right titty in his mouth. He began to lick my nipples almost tongue kissing them with his eyes closed.
“What the hell this guy is childish as hell” I thought to myself. I took my hand and squeezed my tity while my breast was in his mouth to applied pressure. I wasn’t getting anything out of him softly and passionately kissing my nipple. I needed more pressure I just needed more than he was giving.
“Sir I need you to pop my breast in your mouth and suck. You can lick too but I need sucking” I thought to myself out loud but I didn’t feel like training him. After not getting the breast sucking that I needed I just pulled away from Clifford. I kept playing with my breast and touching my now dripping wet vagina.
Clifford took his hands and started fingering me. As he fingered me he once again tried to orally please my breast, but I wasn’t feeling anything. He fingered me for approx 5 seconds before he said “Damn I didn’t know you got wet like this” “Damn this some good ass pussy” he said. As soon as he said how good and wet my pussy was he stopped fingering me and got on top of me. When he entered me I felt nothing. Literally nothing as he tried to pump away quickly. I watched him pump into me quickly and then sweat beads popped off his forehead. I thought to myself you can never go wrong from the back, but before I could change positions Clifford was done done. He laid next to me.
“You want drug dealer dick” he said to me.
“This is 9-5 dick I have to go to work we can’t be fucking all day” he said.
“We not teenagers no more you want me to fuck you all day” he said.
“I’m still drunk from last night” he said
He saying a lot, but his performance left me speechless. I could not believe I just wasted over a year of my life or longer on him just for him to be done in a jiffy. I didn’t say anything, and Clifford left the room to check on his clothes.
I knew at that moment that the tarot card reading was wrong. There was no way in the word Clifford was my soulmate or twin flame. I couldn’t be with a man that couldn’t sexually please me. My sexual gratification is needed in order for me to remain happy in a relationship. I could not do nothing with Clifford and what he had to offer. I was so disappointed.
Clifford however got on the phone immediately. He told whoever he was talking to that he came quickly and I was upset because I wanted drug dealer D. I never in my life said anything about drug dealer D. Anyone who has ever been with a dealer knows that they aren’t known for the bedroom performance. Dealers are known to spend money and that is why women like them. Not because of the sex.
I became instantly enraged that he would get on the phone in my house and discuss my bedroom activities with a stranger. There was no way I was going to let him disrespect me like that. Horrible dick is one thing but then to violate me like that was unacceptable.
“I’m not sure when niggas started talking like bitches but it was probably about the time they started getting high off their own supply. Get out of my house junkie” I said.
“You mad because I gave you that weak ass cock” he responded as he continued to talk on the phone. He was trying to embarrass me after everything that I ever did for him. I couldn’t believe Clifford would disrespect me to my face like this after giving me the worst D of my life.
I didn’t respond to Clifford. I grabbed a pair of his shoes opened the door and threw it outside. I then grabbed something else that appeared to be his and threw it out the door as well. Clifford was bign6’4 maybe 230 but I didn’t care. I pushed his big bitch ass out towards the door.
“Get out” I said as I pushed him again. His balance was off a little and he almost fell. He looked back at me with anger in his eyes.
“Don’t put your hands on me” he said.
“Nigga get the fuck out” I said again as I pushed him harder looking him back in his eyes. I wanted him to know that I was not afraid of him.
Clifford stood in my door way and looked me dead in the eyes and said “I’m somebody in these streets” I guess to threaten me.
“I don’t know who you were in the streets years ago but now you’re just Mookie the junkie” I said as I slammed the door shut locking it.
Later that day a friend of my texted me letting me know that “Mookie” went on Facebook live and told people that the girl he was dealing with stole his beard wash because she had bad pussy.
Clifford was a clown and I was not wasting anymore of my life on him. The twin flame reading stated that Clifford and I would always find our way back to each other, because it was a fated union. However I knew in my heart that was not true and Clifford was not the other half to my soul. He was a wanksta and a waste of time.
Three weeks after the horrible events unfolded at my home Clifford apologized for the disrespect. He stated that no woman should be violated like how he violated me. Kissing and telling will never be gangster. I forgave him I understood that he was too drunk and too high to preform. I however would have never ran my mouth about the situation. Once again I was left to wonder when did men start moving and gossiping like women.
“What’s tea bro” will never be a lit statement or question.
I wished Clifford all the best and I ended the connection there. That was one year ago and I haven’t looked back. That is not to say that we will never speak again, but for now I’m better without him.
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