Dumb & Looking For Mr. Right

“I just want a man that is all mine and only mine. I never liked to share” I said to my friend. As soon as the words left my mouth she began to chuckle.

“Girl good luck with that fairy tale”. That’s a really cute want” she said laughing in my face at this point.

“So, you really think all men cheat? It’s just normal at some point” I asked, rolling my eyes.

“Yes, all men cheat girl. Maybe not Obama, white men, or Russell but the men we like cheat. We are not going to be happy with a square boring man. We just aren’t I know you  and I know what you like” she replied

She was right honestly, and I knew that even though I didn’t want to admit it. The thing was I did try to date a square straight out of the suburbs man once, and I found out he was cheating on his white girlfriend with me. He just wanted to try out a black girl for once because he only dated white women in the past. I was his little black experiment fetish and it made me sick to my stomach when I found out because he was corny and not even my type at all. He would ask me dumb questions like “who is your favorite band?” Like sir I don’t know the Gap Band I don’t know any bands.

He was black and I was also black, but we were too different. However, despite our differences I saw my house in the suburbs with the white fence, two kids, and a cute little yorkie with him. We were both black professionals so I saw my life going great with him even though he was boring, drank Budweiser, and enjoyed golf. He also liked baseball. I always say men who like baseball make good husbands or at least I thought they did.

Anyway, to make a long story short he told me he was going out of town on a work-related trip. He worked for the government and although I didn’t really know what he did I knew it required him to travel a lot. He was supposed to be gone for four days going out east to DC for some type of convention. Imagine my surprise when I saw him, and a pregnant blonde white girl in Whole Foods walking hand and hand. Usually, I would have gone super angry black girl and caused a scene in the Whole Foods not caring who watched, but I didn’t. The saying you can take the girl out the hood, but you can’t take the hood out the girl I embody that effortlessly. However, at that moment I kept my suburban grace and left the store without breaking the windows out of his Tesla.

I didn’t care about him cheating and I wasn’t hurt because well he was lame to me. I saw him with that white girl, and I knew that is who he belonged with in the first place.

“So, what are you saying, just keep letting him stay out when he wants too, and I should ignore him talking to his exes” I finally stopped thinking about the past long enough to respond to my friend.

“I hate to say it but yes. Shut up before you run that man away and then you’re going to regret it. He’s going to cheat. That’s just how men from the westside are, and you need to stop living in a fantasy world. You know he is cheating and being sneaky. Why keep nagging him about it if you are just going to keep accepting it? Cheat back, do it quietly he will never know and that’s the sweetest revenge” my friend said.

“I do cuss him out every week. I just can’t stop myself. I don’t want to cheat back, that’s so corny we are in our mid 30s at this point” I said.

“Girl you got it bad you really love that boy. I hate to see it because he’s breaking you down. Cheat back or let him go because you are only going to lose yourself and end up hating him”.

My friend was right. I did love him, but she didn’t understand the depth of my feelings for him. I really loved him, and I already lost myself in him. I don’t know why, but I wanted to be with him by any means. The only issue was I couldn’t take the cheating and staying out because it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Every time he moved funny, I felt like I wasn’t a good enough woman for him. The stress of the entire relationship made me stop eating. I wasn’t trying to starve myself, I just completely lost my appetite. I wasn’t hungry anymore, I was just stressed. I was stressing about what I could do to make the man that I loved so much like me back enough to not hurt me. I felt pathetic to be completely honest, and I felt worthless. I was doing things for Jo that I never done before in my life for a man. I was letting him stay out, and then cooking dinner the next night. I was doing anything to try to keep him home. I was driving myself crazy.  I was driving Josyn crazy too cursing him out every other day, but clearly not crazy enough to get him to stay with me. I would cuss him out, and then get scared that when he left the house again, he would never come back. I made my own hell with Jo and I had to live it because I loved him more than life. Pathetic I know right, but don’t judge me because we’ve all been there at one time or another.

That night once Jo came home I thought about what my friend said, and I realized that as much love as I had for Josyn the relationship wouldn’t work with him staying out and cheating. I just wasn’t that girl. I couldn’t play a fool because I wasn’t a fool. He was the fool for losing me. I decided to try and talk it out with him in the hopes that he would be delivered from cheating and staying out all night. I told myself if the conversation didn’t go correctly, I was just going to walk and leave the connection to maintain my sanity.

“So I was talking to Keyasia today and…” I started talking but Josyn cut me off.

“You want to keep listening to your friend and that’s going to be the reason you end up alone. How could she give you any relationship advice look at her life? I am here with you, he said.

He was so manipulative, and I hated it. I hated that he tried to manipulate me, and I hated that I knew he was manipulating me with basic hood 101 manipulation. More than anything I hated that even though I knew what he was doing I let him do it. My friend’s love life wasn’t what I wanted, but if he listened and let me finish talking, he would’ve seen she was on his side.

“Why are you here? If you don’t want to be with me just don’t come back. Why keep coming back and cheating and staying out? I can’t deal with it. I am not holding you hostage, why do you keep coming back? Clearly you have somewhere to stay. What does she get Monday and Tuesday and I get Wednesday through Sunday? I’m you Wednesday through Sunday girl” I said.

“Look Destinee , every man talks to other women. I come home to you. I am here now. You keep cussing me out and telling me to leave, but I stay because I know that’s not what you want. I hope if I do leave you find someone to love you how you need to be loved because I try and it’s not enough. I know it will hurt you when I leave, and I don’t want to do that so stop telling me to leave. I love you Destinee. I’m here because I love you. Be careful what you ask for because you might get it, and I know you don’t want me to leave” he said.

“Damn this man is really playing in my face like I am a real life joke to him. The crazy thing is he is not even wrong. I don’t want him to leave” I thought to myself, but I didn’t say anything out loud. I just looked at Jo dead in the eyes.

“Ok” is all I said. I didn’t have anything else to say. I was dumb he knew it and I knew it. My name was Destinee aka SZA because I was just enjoying the weekend happily.

Once I said ok Jo turned around and went to sleep, and so did I. As much as I wanted to do bad all by myself like a Tyler Perry movie, I also didn’t want to live without Josyn. I felt a connection to him that I never felt with anyone else. It was like being around him made me feel happy and whole. My spirit felt better when he was around, but at the same time his actions made me feel ugly, weak, and useless.

The next morning after I failed at laying down the law with Jo I woke up and he was already gone to work. It was strange because he was gone to work, but he left his phone in the bed. Something told me not to go through his phone and I told that something to shut up and mind her business. They always say don’t go through your man’s phone if you aren’t ready to leave. I was ready. I just needed a push because I couldn’t leave on my own.

I grabbed his phone and went to the notes in my phone where I had his phone code saved.

“Damn he changed it from 3711. Let me try 2711” I thought to myself. He kept all his passwords the same usually, but after two failed attempts I had to think fast so that I wouldn’t lock his phone. Jo was smart for a manipulative hood guy but in all actuality, he wasn’t the mastermind he thought he was at all. I was the brains of the whole operation.

“OK I am going to try his birthday and if that doesn’t work, I’ll try his daughter’s birthday” I thought to myself. Luckily on the third try his birthday worked.

“Really his birthday? He doesn’t care enough about me to make it a challenge. He must not be cheating.

However, once I opened his phone my already broken fragile heart crushed. He was cheating and meeting up with his exes. It was like I knew he was cheating. I just didn’t know the severity of the situation.

The first thread on his phone was from a woman and I am saying woman because in the face she looked every bit of 62. Her name was saved under Toya. She looked every bit of I am cheap and I like crack, and that’s not to insult that queen. She just was and looked like an old crackhead.  She looked like she had a hard life. With her mouth closed it looked like she didn’t have any teeth. She looked gummy like crack took all her poor teeth out.

I saw she sent him a picture with a hair supply store ponytail gelled down and to the side with a gummy smile. He responded with two heart eyes. My heart dropped. I knew I couldn’t compete. I didn’t even want to compete. She didn’t have any teeth, looked like she smoked crack and was used to sucking a beach ball threw a straw for $10 dollars of crack. I should’ve stopped there but I couldn’t. I was disgusted but always intrigued.

I scrolled up a few weeks to the first time Jo stayed out all night. I figured he was with her, and the messages would let me know.

“I hate this fat girl she let her friend drop off this stupid dog barking and I can’t sleep”.

 I remembered that week vividly because my friend dropped her dog off on a Thursday. Jo didn’t work that Friday and that Saturday when he left for work, he didn’t come home. I knew something was off when he left Saturday because he didn’t wake me up to tell me he was leaving. He always woke me up to let me know when he was leaving, or he would text me. He didn’t do either. I didn’t talk to him all Saturday.  Saturday when we did talk, he told me his grandmother died and he was staying in the next county over with his family. Of course, the story about staying out didn’t make sense, but his grandmother died, and I wanted to be compassionate.

Toya sent Jo a text around 1 am asking him his location. He told her he was out the county because his grandmother died like he told me, but when Toya asked him who he was with he texted back “look I am not going to lie I am with Nicole”.

OMG who is Nicole I thought to myself. Like what the heck there is a Nicole and a Toya with no teeth.

“Lord what did I do in my past life to deserve this?” I thought to myself. I kept strolling and it kept getting worse.

“Why did you go out there? Toya asked with crying emojis like he broke her heart”.

“I’m not going to lie to you bae. You are the only one I love” he replied.

He had to love Toya because he told her the truth off top. She didn’t press him. He told her “look I’m out the county, but I love you”. Toya cussed him out, called him names and told him she wished he died.

I thought to myself it’s clear Toya knows about me. She knows he’s been living with me for a few months. That part was clear from the text. She was okay with him living with me. She wasn’t okay about him staying out with Nicole. The whole situation made me vomit.

“What did he tell Toya about me? 

Why isn’t she cussing him out for being here?” I thought. Life didn’t make any sense. I thought to myself were Jo and Toya planning to kill me on some weird Tyler plot twist this whole time?. Was Jo the young guy tricking and playing on a dumb young girl who fell in love with him so that him and his crackhead old boo could kill her and take her for all she’s worth. The only thing was I didn’t have that much, and I didn’t have any money in the bank. Nothing made sense to me. Nothing other than I loved and was in love with Toya’s man.

There were several other threads from females in his phone. Nothing shook me like toothless Toya. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t understand why he was with Toya because his mother looked younger and better than Toya. I had a mouth full of teeth and I knew I wouldn’t compete with Toya the crackhead. I felt so nasty. Something in my mind couldn’t stop thinking why is Toya okay with him being with me, but upset about him staying with Nicole?

I was going to get to the bottom of it. I was also going to be done with Jo. The thought of them kissing and her not having teeth made me vomit again. I couldn’t eat because Toya’s crack vibe was rubbing off on me. I took his phone in tears and threw it into the woods.

The thing was my aim was bad because I couldn’t see through my tears. So, I threw the phone barely into the woods and I left and went to my mother’s house. I needed my mommy. I stayed with my mother for a few hours, but I didn’t tell her anything.

When I came home the door was wide open. I never saw the evil look in Josyn’s eyes before, and the house looked ransacked.

OMG they’re going to kill me. I thought to myself waiting for Toya to pop out at any second. OMG. That’s all I could think of other than how I could protect myself. What am I going to do?

“Where is my phone” he asked.

“I don’t have it” I responded.

He grabbed me and his soul left his eyes. 

“Bitch where the fuck is my phone?” 

‘End of Part 1

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