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Dumb & Looking for Mr. Right

“I don’t have your phone” I repeated. 

I was nervous that Josyn and his mature lover were planning to kill me because I looked through his phone and discovered their murderous plot. I was literally scared for my life and I knew that I had to think quickly. 

Josyn was prone to anger, and I knew that he could be violent. He was 6’7 and built like a member of G Unit and I knew that even though I was a strong girl physically I couldn’t fight him. I also knew that Josyn no matter how dangerous or angry had a heart. In that moment I decided to play Russian Roulette with my life to save my life. Josyn was mad enough to kill me, but would he after everything we been through together? Does a killer kill?

I flashed back to being a teenage girl. I was leaving my friend’s house she lived not too far from me on a little trail. Her neighbor came outside as soon as I left my friend’s house. He was about five or six years older than

“Where are you going so late shorty?” he asked.

“Home” I said as I kept walking. I remember thinking why is he starting to follow me? Leave me alone I thought to myself.

“I’m going to walk with you its starting to get dark. I want to make sure you get home safely ” he said still waking towards me now almost next to me.

“No, you really don’t have to I’m good” I said. As soon as the words left my mouth, he was now walking next to me. Suddenly, I don’t know what came over me, but I got a bad feeling. I did not need him to walk me home, but he was not taking no for an answer.

“I got you shorty” he said. For the next few minutes, it seems like hours passed. Usually, it took only 10 to 15 minutes to walk to and from my friend’s house but today hours seemed to pass. However, no words were really exchanged between myself and my friend’s persistent neighbor. We never really talked so him insisting on walking me home was mad annoying, and strange.

Once we got to the last turn to my house the neighbor dragged me into a wooden area just off the street. He grabbed me and pinned me unto a tree. He had my arms up so I could move, but then he started to kiss my neck. In the moment I was scared and thought that he would try to sexually assault me. Please let me go is all I keep repeating to myself in my head over and over. I told myself that if I kept thinking it, he would pick up on it and let me go.

“Please let me go” I kept thinking. He kissed my neck softly and I wanted to vomit. Then he looked me in the eye. I remember thinking he was looking at me so strange like he really liked me. I felt gross, but I also felt like his misguided unwanted feelings towards me was my way out of the situation. 

“Not right here not like this” I said.

“Take me home we can do it, but not like this. We in the woods” I said.

I noticed that he let me go releasing his grip on me. I was free, but I also knew that I still had to play the part. It would’ve taken one wrong move for him grab me back up and I couldn’t risk that.

“I really like you. I have for a few years now” he said.

“I like you too, and that’s why I can’t do this in the woods” I said. I wanted to keep saying I was never going to sleep with that loser especially not in the woods like some freaking animal. Predators really have a weird way of thinking.

He agreed to walk me home, and I agreed to go out with him another time. Once he walked me to my house, I knew that I was never going back to my friend’s house alone. I couldn’t risk her weird freaky Jason neighbor. I also learned how to survive in that situation. I learned to think quick on my feet to protect myself. I learned the power of mind control. I didn’t need to be strong to win a fight I just needed to be smarter than my opponent. I needed to have mind control to survive.

“Bitch where the fuck is my phone” Jo said, waking me up from my flashback.

“I’m calling the police” I said. Men who have been to jail usually don’t want to go back, especially not because of a minor domestic violence. I pulled my phone out and dialed 9.

“Bitch I’ll kill you in here before the police get here stop playing with me and that police shit” he said. He picked me up and body slammed me, and I dropped my phone.

“Okay so I can’t talk myself out of this situation” I thought to myself as I picked my body off the ground. I got off the floor quickly. My adrenaline was running. My body didn’t hurt but my leg was bleeding. I couldn’t think about the blood I had to get away from Jo before he acted on his words and killed me. 

I ran to the patio door. Jo didn’t say anything, he quietly and calmly followed me. I got the patio door opened and just as I did Jo grabbed my hair from the back and effortlessly  threw my body to the ground. Once my body hit the ground Jo came and picked my body off the ground and body slammed me again. 

I couldn’t fight Jo back. He wasn’t even hitting me, just throwing me around my house like a chocolate rag doll. Effortlessly he wasn’t even using strength just tossing me around like trash. He was tossing me around like he was tossing around my feelings. 

“Ok your phone is outside. Let me go get it for you” I said as I picked myself off the ground and tried to make it out the front door that I noticed was still open. This time when I got off the ground my body hurt badly. My arm was now bleeding, and my leg was still bleeding. I didn’t know where the blood was coming from or how I planned to get myself out of the situation. All I knew for sure was I was not giving Jo back; his phone dead or alive he wasn’t getting that phone back from me. I got close to the front door and just like he previously did Jo grabbed my hair from the back and yanked me to the ground. I fell back to the ground, and this time I didn’t get right back up.

“Your phone is outside” I yelled. I just wanted him to leave my house at this point. My head hurt so bad I must’ve hit a table as I fell to the ground. My head and body felt like I had been hit by a tractor trailer. 

He kept grabbing my hair, he pulled my hair right out from my scalp. I just knew I was missing patches of my hair.  I didn’t want to risk getting up again because I couldn’t take being slammed again. I was a strong girl, but Jo was a bear. I knew with his strength he could beat me to death effortlessly. 

“This is why I knew I shouldn’t have messed with you because you’re really crazy. I knew you would make me put my hands on you. I would never put my hands on you, but you’re really crazy. You do crazy shit childish shit all the time.” Jo said as he stood overtop of me.  

“I hope you and Toya overdose together like a hood crackhead Romeo & Juliet ” I said coldly. As soon as the words left my mouth Jo walked away. He walked to his book bag and pulled out his gun.

“Tell me you want me to die again” he said, holding the gun pointing it at me on the ground.

“I hope you and Toya overdose together” I said. If he was going to kill me, he was going to kill me, but I was going to say what I wanted to say. Jo had the gun pointing it at me, but he didn’t shoot. Once the words left my mouth, I braced myself for my last move. Jo had killed my spirit, killed my soul, my body was just the last thing for him to kill. I’d rather be dead than to be alive and keep begging him to love me. 

He didn’t shoot. He put the gun down. He picked me off the floor and put me on my couch. My head was ringing, and my body was so sore.

“I didn’t want to hurt you. I would never put my hands on you. I would never hurt you” he said.

“Get out” I said.

Jo walked to the door. I heard the raindrops start to pour from the sky. It was raining and Jo’s phone was outside, and I felt a small sense of happiness. Even if Jo found that phone, he was never going to be able to use it. No amount of rice would have saved that phone. Jo was right, I really was a little crazy. He was crazier than me. We were crazy together.

“I love you Destinee” he said and then he walked out the front door. I got up off the couch long enough to lock the door after Jo. I walked to the patio door and closed that door too. I walked to the medicine closet and popped two Tylenol PM. My whole body hurt.

“Girl he threw me around my whole house like a rag doll” I said to my friend on the phone. 

“Did you call the police?” my friend asked. 

“No, I didn’t want him to go to jail” I said.

“Girl you better than me because I would’ve reported a drug dealer” my friend said, and we both laughed. I laughed but it wasn’t funny. I should’ve called the police. That man really body slammed me three or four times without a second thought. He pulled the hair right out of my scalp. 

“He has a daughter. I don’t want him sitting in the jail” I said. I felt pathetic when the words left my mouth. Here I was still caring about the man that threw me around my home. He pulled my hair out and played with my emotions, and for what? Why did he have to hurt me so badly? 

“Girl and his daughter would be seeing him during regular visiting hours” she said, and we both laughed. “I told you CJ slammed me that time I broke his computer. That’s what they do: they slam you and throw you around so they can say they didn’t put their hands on you. He didn’t punch you or slap you so he didn’t put his hands on you. Basic hood 101 really”. 

“Girl if he didn’t put his hands on me I don’t know what he did, but I know I feel like I got hit by a bus. This PM kicking in I’ll call you when I get up” I said tired.

“Don’t let him back in there. Text me your address so I can send the police if I have to sis” my friend said before hanging up. 

My friend told me not to let him back into my home, but before the PM fully kicked in Josyn was snoring next to me in my bed. I went to sleep and he woke me back up in the morning to let me know he was leaving out to work. 

He didn’t mention anything, and I didn’t bring it up either. It was like for that moment we both made a silent pact to act like nothing happened. Both of us would be acting because Jo still wanted to know where his phone was, and I wanted to know what he told Toya to make her okay with him being there with me. 

“You really don’t have my phone? I’ve been hoping I would come home, and the phone would be on the bed. I’m not mad, just tell me where you put the phone” he said.

“I don’t have your phone” I said just as I stated in the past. The thing was I wasn’t lying I didn’t have his phone.

“You must not have my phone, if you did you would’ve given it to one of your home girls. It’s crazy that your friend probably told you to take my phone and if you would’ve died in here that would’ve been her fault” he said.

“You going to kill me Josyn? Who is Toya?” I asked both questions back-to-back.

“You know I’m not going to hurt you, that’s why you keep playing with me. I let you get away with a lot” he said. 

“I keep playing with you” I repeated. The thing was I understood what he was saying, and I didn’t like it one bit. I felt threatened.

“You’re not a dumb girl Destinee.  Everyone knows about you. You think everyone else likes hearing about you all the time. You’re a queen, and everybody I talk to knows that you’re number one in my life” he said.

“What” I responded. I heard what he was saying but it sounded like a lot of nothing. If I was a queen that would mean he was leaving the queendom and sneaking around with a servant girl. His words were saying I was his queen, but his actions towards me were saying I meant nothing to him. 

His words were also saying that yes he was cheating but I should feel good about that because he talked about me to the women he was cheating with. 

“I’m here with you every night. I don’t answer the phone when I’m here with you, it’s just you and me. Nobody matters to me. I don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing. I just don’t want you to be with nobody else. Stall me out yo” he said.

“Stall you out” I repeated. 

“I’m going to get it together, Destinee. Stall me out. Stop cussing me out, stop doing childish stuff like this shit with my phone, give me time” he said.

“O wow” is all I could say.

“You’re mine you will always be mine” he said looking me in the eyes. 

I understood what he was saying to me. I was his queen like Cinderella and he wanted me to sit in the dark cold dusty cellar while he ran through the palace and town doing whatever he pleased.

“So, I am your queen and you’re my king. The moment you stepped out of that us royalty you stepped out of grace. You broke our circle of trust” I said. 

“I hear what saying. You’re mine” he repeated.

“OK baby blue” I said. 

I hated it but my friend was right. All men cheated and the ones that didn’t cheat had their flaws. Love was about what you’re willing to put up with because no one was perfect. The question was could I accept being the “queen” in Jo’s life if that met stalling him out and playing my part quietly. 

“Truth moment. I threw your phone in the dump” I said.

“Truth moment. Toya was never my girl. When I got locked up, she was the only person who visited me. She never missed a visit. I told her I would look out for her forever because she held it down. She used her last favor from me though. I haven’t slept with her though.

I did go out of the county with a girl named Nicole, but I didn’t sleep with her either. I slept with my best friend years ago. I wouldn’t sleep with her again. I don’t even like big girls. I’m not sleeping with anyone else.” he said.

Three Days later Jo came home from work 15 minutes late. It was 15 minutes but it felt like two days. The whole time he wasn’t there I kept thinking that he was with someone else. I kept thinking maybe he strayed off and he wasn’t going to come home for a few days. At this point in our relationship Jo had driven me crazy. 

As soon as he opened the door I yelled “where you been? Who you been with? Why do you keep disrespecting me?” 

“Yo you really crazy” he said as he walked to the room and started grabbing his clothes. I saw him grabbing his clothes like he was leaving me after I degraded myself by dealing with him and I saw red. “Ring the alarm by Beyonce played in my head. I was tired of being tired with Jo but because I had been through so much with him, I wasn’t ready to let him go. He belonged to me. He was crazy if he thought I was going to leave.

I pushed Jo and he fell into the closet making a huge whole in the wall. “The only way out of this is in a box. We belonged together” I thought to myself. I was being dramatic. I knew I couldn’t force him to be with me, but I refused to watch him walk out of my life. 

End of Part Two..









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