Dumb & Looking For Mr. Right

After ghosting me a few months back I woke up in the bed next to Josyn with shame for the first time in my life. Usually I lived with no regrets, but I regretted sleeping with Josyn. Some say absence makes the heart grow fonder that maybe true for some, but I have ADHD. Something about sleeping with Josyn made me feel the same way I felt when he used to looked me in my face and lie for no reason. I felt shame, but in true Josyn fashion Jo was about to make me feel even worst.

“What the hell Destinee? What happened to we’re leaving fuck boys in 2020? How did he end up back here after everything that was said behind your back Destinee?” so many thoughts ran through my mind.

Once Josyn woke up we began talking. We talked about the previous night of unprotected sex. Josyn advised that he was tested frequently and that he never tested positive for STDs in the past. I realized I was overdue for a checkup. Between the pandemic and changing jobs I hadn’t seen my GYN since 2019. I hadn’t seen any doctor since 2019. Jo was a ho and sleeping with anyone who had a section 8 voucher and a Honda Civic, but of course he didn’t have any STDs.

Well he swore he didn’t have any STD’s but I wasn’t sure if he thought herpes was a STD or not. Just as I was making the appointment to see my doctor I flashed back to going through Jo’s phone. Toya said Jo had herpes he denied the herpes, but something in me started thinking Jo had herpes. I was just irresponsible and trying to blame the pandemic on falling behind on my checkups. I didn’t have sex since 2019. That’s how life worked though people who played with fire and death never got burnt however the “goody goody” person always gets burned. That’s just the way life goes.

I was accustomed to being a guest on the Josyn show so I didn’t really talk about the sex. I had loved for Josyn that I couldn’t explain but it wasn’t a lustful love. Don’t get me wrong he had the best looking dick I’d seen. It was pretty, thick, veiny, lengthy, and got hard and moved around on its own. If I could’ve molded his dick, and just kept it with me I would’ve because it’s damn near perfect in my opinion.

However, thick long dick and a few pumps was all Josyn offered me. He gave some excuses about why he would stick his dick in me raw, but not orally please me. The reasoning made no sense to me it was childish, but that was Josyn. He really didn’t care about pleasing me sexually he cared about himself. Josyn only cared about Josyn. He didn’t care how sleeping with me and then leaving would make me feel. It’s like TI said “damn at least hoes get paid” I wasn’t even getting paid or laid just fucked missionary by Josyn.

As Josyn talked about the sex I quietly thought about not orgasming. Two things were for sure the first being Josyn didn’t care about my feelings at all. The second and most important was I needed to get a checkup as soon as possible.

Once I agreed to get tested Josyn began to tell me about his life since our break. He advised that he did start attending therapy and I was happy for him.

“I don’t think I can be in a relationship. I’m still not over my baby momma I miss her so much every day. I have mom issues stemming from my relationship with my mother. I have to worry about my daughter and taking care of her. Trying to be in a relationship was crazy when I don’t even have a relationship with myself” Josyn said.

“That’s crazy I’m sorry to hear that friend. I’m glad you been in therapy. Pray and mediate on the relationship with your mother” I said. Josyn acted like he was the only person that had ever experienced hardships in life. He acted like he was the only person with a troubled childhood. Josyn just needed to grow up. He was met to be a King. He had all the qualities and he wanted to be respected as a king. It was his destiny, but he resisted his destiny. He wanted it with every ounce of his being to fully step into destiny, well part of him wanted. I don’t know Brandy maybe almost did count in Josyn’s case.

I honestly wasn’t sure if Jo had mom issues, or if he was just an indecisive Libra struggling to find his place in the world. Jo was a grown man who still wanted to be a wild street 17-year-old year. He wanted to be in the streets robbing and sleeping around with different women. Also, at the same time he wanted to be respected as a seasoned retired OG whose name would forever rang bells in the streets. He wanted to settle down in the suburbs with his daughter and be respected as father of the year.

I wasn’t sure what Jo’s issues were all I knew for sure was Jo was used to lying and playing with women. He didn’t respect women not completely. I guess that’s why he was in therapy. I respected that about Jo even though his road to elevation was taking a lot longer than I had the patience for I admired his will to try to improve. I didn’t believe Jo about anything other than the fact that he did love and care about his child. I loved Jo’s soul the only issue was I didn’t know if I had time to wait for his soul to catch up with his body.

Once Josyn opened about his mom issues he began talking to me about all the women in his life. He advised me that he was dealing with his ex-girlfriend Aisha from the past on and off the entire time I knew him. He said he had trouble letting go out Aisha because her kids called him “dad” at one point. Josyn was stepdad of the year and he had to keep in contact with Aisha because of the kids.

“I don’t want to be with Aisha she’s ratchet and doesn’t have walls. Whenever I slept with Aisha, I had to picture sleeping with someone else because I couldn’t feel anything” said Josyn.

I just looked at him in the eyes and never said anything. Clearly Jo wanted to use me as his chocolate human confessional, and I was going to let him use me to try to clear his conscious. I would use him for closure.

“Dang her kids called you daddy and she didn’t have any walls. You know that it is impossible for a female not to have any walls. That’s not physically possible” I said.

“It is possible when I was over the jail her baby daddy was locked up and he said the same thing. He said he couldn’t feel anything its her shorty got the Grand Canyon between her legs. She thick that’s why I liked her at first” he said.

“She didn’t have walls, but you stayed with her because you’re a lover. You love her and the kids” I said sarcastically. I hated childish men.

“Yea, but I would never have kids by her its something wrong with all her kids. She gets a check for everyone of those kids” he said.

Jo was full of himself. That’s what Josyn did he talked about people behind their back and confessed his love for them to their face, or at least that’s what he did with me. Jo was also a hypocrite, because he called that girl’s kids slow but would kill someone for talking about his child.

If he told me Aisha didn’t have walls, I didn’t want to know what Jo was telling her about me, but I knew he wasn’t saying anything good. Jo wasn’t two faced he had many different faces.

Once he confessed about Aisha he then jumped right into talking about Toya another one of his exes that he claimed to have cheated on me with because of his mom issues. Josyn stated that he was done with Toya because she was off and on drugs. However, he stated that he had to keep in contact with Toya because her youngest daughter looked up to him like a father figure. He stated Toya’s daughter would always call him asking about her mom’s whereabouts. Once again Josyn was stepdad of the year. Everything he did he did for the kids.

After confessing about Aisha and Toya Josyn jumped right into talking about another one of his “exes” named Kianna. I remembered the Kianna situation vividly because even though I never knew what Kianna’s name I knew she was dealing with Jo. See Jo started staying out Monday and Tuesday every week when we lived together before he ghosted me. He would tell me that he was getting his hair done. The thing was his hair never looked good. His parts were never straight or even and his hair just looked like he did it himself. There was no way he was paying a real stylist to do his hair, and I never heard of a stylist letting her clients sleep over at their home.

Jo told me how Kianna would put 7 little bow wow braids in his head then she would cook him dinner. After cooking him dinner she would take him to her room give him a bottle of grey goose vodka and the two of them would make passionate love.

Jo and I were fighting and Kianna was his way out because like Toya they were women of a certain age. Unlike Toya Kianna had a lovely section 8 home in the suburbs of Parkville Maryland. Jo was impressed with her home, and pressed to leave me and our constant arguments about his constant cheating to move into Kianna’s government home. Jo advised me that Kianna was older and she lived with her grown daughter, daughter’s boyfriend, and grandchild. I knew he was cheating with an older female because who drinks grey goose? Drinking grey goose out the motherfucking bottle said no one ever and especially not after 2006. Jo was a family man and living with Kianna would be great they could’ve been the modern-day Cosby’s and they could live off Biden happily.

Jo would leave Kianna on Tuesday then come home to me and act like I was a crazy insecure girl. In the past every time I asked Jo if he was cheating or dealing with his exes he told me no. He told me that I was crazy and made me think I was running him away. Jo manipulated me to make me feel like I was delusional when all he ever did was cheat on me behind my back and confess his love for me to my face. In the past every time I went to Jo and asked him if he just wanted to separate, he said no. He said he loved me and didn’t want to be with anyone else. I later realized that Jo told all his women the same lines. He told them/ and me in his Jay Z voice that he was just fucking these hoes he was going to come right back. Like a dummy I waited, and I no longer wanted to wait for him.

Jo advised me that Kianna and him got into a verbal altercation. He said that he gave Kianna $250 to pay her BGE bill. Even though Kianna received assistance she fell behind on her bills due to Covid, and like the caption save a ho he pretended to be Jo paid the bill. Once he paid the bill Jo realized that Kianna overcharged him from the bill and he demanded his money back feeling betrayed. Kianna refused to give Jo the money back and threatened to call the police. Jo left Kianna’s home just before the police arrived. Kianna got her BGE bill paid, some young dick and a piece of my heart for a bottle of grey goose vodka.

Jo told me that the person who was doing his hair was ghetto. He told me that they didn’t take care of the baby and that he had to watch the baby when he was there. Jo loved being a step grandfather. I asked him repeatedly to tell me the truth about the situation. He told me the stylist was no one but a cheap hair braider.

However Josyn told me that Kianna threatened to expose his cheating ways on social media. Jo stated she threatened to reach out to me. I’m glad she didn’t honestly. I could never respect a woman who came to me as a woman after knowingly messing with my man.

If she came to me I wouldn’t have talked to her. She couldn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know about Jo. “Like girl bye you didn’t want to talk to me while y’all was together drinking grey goose out the bootle.”

Rule number one to anyone trying to take my man “realize no matter how mad he gets with me he isn’t going anywhere he loves it here in Deeville.

With Jo’s current confessions and his previous other cheating confessions there was now Aisha, Toya, Nicole, Best Friend, Kianna and random girl from his job with curly hair. Technically Jo and I had only been “dating for 1 year and a half and I didn’t see us making two years. Josyn was the king of ex-girlfriend’s past, and stepdad of the year. He was too much for me. Who was I to take that king away from his pervious obligations?

Jo walked away from me and said he needed a break from me because I was crazy meanwhile, he was the one introducing me to all the energies that threw me out of whack. When I thought about all the manipulation that he put me through for no reason. He gaslighted me into believing that I was the messed up one in the relationship. It was like Cardi said I started to feel flawed because Jo was inconsistent. I was too fat; I wasn’t thick enough I just couldn’t be good enough for Jo even though I would try. I knew when Jo was going to lie before he lied. I knew when he was lying I could tell by his speech and the look in his face. It was his eyes something about his eyes told me everything. I loved Jo, and he loved playing with my mind.

“Let me off the team coach I didn’t even like this team” I thought to myself as I turned into Antonio Brown and threw my invisible Team Josyn jersey to the ground. I quit Josyn’s team I was worth so much more.

“I was wrong for everything I did I can admit that, but you shouldn’t have touched my phone that’s my property. Me talking to other females doesn’t give you the right to destroy my property. Then it took you weeks to admit to taking my phone. How many times did I ask you for my phone, and you never told the truth” Josyn asked?

In less than 2 years Josyn was with more females than I could count on one hand, but he had the nerve to tell me how to react to his deceit. That was a classic sign of manipulation. However, he was right. I should’ve walked away from Josyn when I felt like he was cheating and dealing with his exes. I was trying to hurt him, because he hurt me, but in the end he ended up hurting me worst. My intuition about Jo not being faithful and loyal to me was right once again, I just made the decision to ignore the truth. My mind was so powerful I just wasn’t using my power correctly.  

“You’re right I shouldn’t have touched your phone. I’ll replace it with a better one” I said. 

Jo however never apologized for breaking my heart and playing with my feelings. He never apologized or explained why he repeatedly lied to me. He could’ve come to me and said, “Dee let’s just be friends”. Instead, he said “Dee, I love you”. “Dee let’s do the co-parent thing”. “Dee, I’ll buy you a hijab you should go pray with the ladies.”

“I told you I was going to get myself together, and I was coming back. If I’m good you’re good. Just say Josyn I love you because you love me. You my girl you not going anywhere. ” he said.

Instead of apologizing for playing with my feelings and emotions Jo expressed his disdain with me dating and seeing other men during our break. 

“I’m about to get married” I said.

“ Dee stop playing with me. I’ll beat him up. I’d shoot up the whole wedding” he said.

I heard the words leave his mouth and I looked him in the face he was serious. He really felt that way. He felt like after slandering my name behind my back, cheating, lying, and breaking my heart I was supposed to wait for him to pop back into my life with no apologies, no flowers, no money, and not even make me orgasm. I wasn’t sure if I was misinterpreting what Jo was saying to me, but his action showed me that he really didn’t care about me at all. After the turmoil of the relationship, I just wanted Josyn to show me that he cared for me how I cared for him. He couldn’t even do that for me, and that was the lowest blow I felt in our whole situation.

Once I agreed to buy the new phone it was obvious that Jo and I relationship was over due to irreconcilable differences. It was my turn to get a visit from my ghost of boyfriend’s past, and I was single.

“You still going to the movies on Tuesday and eating jerk chicken every Thursday over there” my text message read. The text message was from my contact saved under “Bar”. The Bar was saved as the bar because he was the best to ever do it to me. He looked like a brown skin Dave East soft curly hair pretty brown eyes juicy full lips. Some men could please you through penetration, other men please orally t The Bar did both all night long.

“Naw. You know I can’t keep a man” I replied with crying laughing emojis.

The thing was The Bar reached out to me every now and again to check in on me. The last time he checked in was just after I met Josyn, and I turned The Bar down telling him I was in a relationship. Once I told him I was in a relationship The Bar cash apped me $500 and told me to him up if I needed anything. 

Silly me. I was turning down the best sex of my life, a new bag, some paid bills all for Jo. Whole time I was in love and faithful Jo was out here loving Aisha and her kids, Toya and her kids, Kianna’s kids and grandkids, and whoever else paid him attention.

“Let me off team coach right the fuck now” I thought to myself. It was time to move on from Jo completely.

“Send me your address. I’m going to come get you Friday at 8. Please be ready” he texted.

Please visit holistic wellness shop https://justjourneewellness.com

End of part 5

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close