Part One
I started 2020 off looking for a new career path. I hated my job and I needed something new and something fresh. Something that would make my soul happy. I decided to do a numerology reading. My numerology reading basically told me that a small job opportunity would present itself, and something bigger would come later. The numerology reading also told me that I would soon find my forever man in a public place and I would know right away when I saw that man that he was for me. So shortly after the numerology reading I was offered a temp position at a law firm making barely enough to support myself, and I accepted the position.
After working at the law firm for about a month I decided to treat myself to lunch at the local 7/11 like I said I was barely making enough to survive. Once I left the 7/11 I noticed a food truck up the street and I saw the food truck was advertising mozzarella sticks and cheese hot dogs. I love mozzarella sticks so I decided to go to the food truck, but then I remember I was a broke bitch and couldn’t afford to buy anything at the food truck. However while standing at the food truck I began to feel a strange connection. I can’t explain the feeling, but I told myself I had to go back to the food truck once I had more funds. Before I left the food truck completely I looked at the food truck guy and noticed he was black and not bad looking. “Cool a black owned business I’ll be back to support him and I will not give my coins to 7/11 again” I said to myself.
Later in that week I got paid again and decided to go to the food truck to try out the mozzarella sticks. Once I got to the food truck I started to feel the same connection like something was pulling me to the food truck. I asked the food truck worker for mozzarella sticks and he told me they were no longer selling mozzarella sticks. Then I asked for a cheese hot dog and he told me that they were no longer selling hot dogs. At that point I was beyond irritated and thought about leaving the food truck and just going back to 7/11 but I couldn’t leave the food truck. Something made me stay there even though they didn’t serve anything that I wanted.
Then I stopped and looked at the food truck guy a little more closely. I could see that he looked a little rough around the edges, but he was handsome. He had hood tattoos up and down his arms, and I knew he either got them in jail or at a basement house tat party because no professional person did those tats. However even with the hood tattoos he was handsome. His skin was darker but his eyes were a light color brown. His skin was flawless even though he was working in a greasy food truck and I liked him. He had nice hair that looked soft. I realized it wasn’t the food truck I was being drawn to it was him.
“I like your eyes” I said to him, trying to break the ice. He said thank you and then just looked at me.
“Do you own this food truck” I asked, intrigued by the food truck worker, and trying to engage in a conversation. He advised me that the food truck was a family business, and his family also owned a landscaping company. I asked him what most people ordered from his truck. He told me that most people order chicken and rice, and then made my order for me. Once my food was prepared I paid and left the food truck, but I knew that I had to go back and talk to the food truck guy again. So once or twice a week I would go to the food truck and try to strike up a conversation with the food truck guy.
After a month he finally asked me what my name was, and I told him that my name was Kadejah. When I asked him his name he hesitated and then said “I have an old man name. My name is Clifford but everyone calls me Mookie”. I thought Mookie was cute because growing up that was also my nickname, but at the same time I didn’t think it was cute. “At what age do men grow up and abandon their street name” I thought to myself but didn’t say it out loud.
Once I left the food truck after finally exchanging names I knew that Clifford (Mookie) was the man in my reading. I felt like I knew him forever, but we were just meeting and all I really knew about him was that he worked at a food truck and also cut grass. Finally after over a month and a half of eating chicken and rice once a week he asked for my number.
Once we exchanged numbers I decided to look Clifford up to find more about his background. Once I looked at his social media pages I found out that he was a father of 2 one boy one girl. Both his children closely resembled him. I remember thinking “damn his genes are strong”. I have a rule that I will never date a man with children, especially a daughter. Girls are usually daddy’s girl unless they have daddy issues, but from social media it seemed like he closely loved his daughter. I also found out through social media that his children all had the same mother, and she was deceased.
“Well maybe it won’t be so bad that he has kids because his baby mother is dead. No baby momma drama” I thought to myself as I considered dating a man with not one but two children.
Once I did a search of Clifford’s criminal background I realized that Clifford definitely got all of those tattoos in jail, because he had a lengthy criminal history. First degree murder was the first charge that popped up, and there was several murder charges on his record. He also had some possession charges, and weapons charges. “Thank God he doesn’t have any domestic charges” I thought to myself. I told myself that if I saw any domestic violence charges I was not going to pursue him any longer, and luckily that is the only charge he didn’t have.
Strangely enough he was charged with all these crimes, but he was out working at a food truck not too far from a law office. Even more bizarre all of his charges were dismissed with prejudice and he was found not guilty. It didn’t make sense to me how he beat so many murder charges and was still on the streets selling chicken and rice cutting grass.
I clicked on a link of his mugshot and saw a press conference that was held after one of his arrests. The police chief referred to Clifford as a “violent repeat offender”. Mookie had a reputation throughout the city; clearly he was a dangerous man from the looks of his background check. Honestly I wasn’t too shocked about his past for some reason. Clifford’s eyes let me know he was battling demons, but his eyes also let me know that he had a genuine soul. I liked him, his past didn’t matter to me. I just needed to know that his past was the past and he was moving forward in a positive direction.
Once we talked on the phone Clifford told me all about his past before I could ask him about it. He came right out and told me that he was a single dad of two, and that his child’s mother passed away from an overdose.
“OMG I am so sorry to hear that” I said pretending that I didn’t already know all of this information.
Clifford also told me about his lengthy criminal history. He told me that he didn’t do the crimes that he was arrested for, but he also admitted to being heavily involved in the streets in his younger years.
“I didn’t shoot those people they said I did” he said and I believed him.
“Have you ever shot anyone” I asked.
“I didn’t shoot those people he replied.
He stated that he was done going to jail and was just working to provide for his family. I don’t know if it was the fact that he was honest from the jump, or the sincerity in his voice, but I believed Clifford. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I wanted to believe him because I loved him so much even though I didn’t know him. I felt such strong feelings for Clifford that he could have told me that he shot those people and I wouldn’t have cared. I felt like Clifford was my soulmate, and we all have a past. However he didn’t shoot those people and he was found not guilty and he was home free on the phone with me.
Everything happened so quickly after our first few phone conversations. We never really got to go anywhere because the pandemic hit and the city shut down. We really couldn’t go anywhere, and I wanted to spend time with Clifford outside of the food truck and not over the phone. I invited him to my house to come over and watch a movie and have a drink. Once I invited him over he never left my house, and I didn’t really mind that I liked being around him and in his presence. I can’t explain it but he made me feel safe, and it had been so long since I felt safe. We could talk about anything and he seemed so interested in me. Everything really seemed too good to be true. Clifford was the man I waited for my whole life.
The only issue was Clifford would sleep a lot. It was like he would come to my house shower and fall asleep. He could be in the middle of a conversation with me and fall asleep out of nowhere, and I mean a deep sleep. After a week or so of him doing that I realized it was something wrong with him. He wasn’t that damn sleepy. I just didn’t know what it was, but I was starting to feel like maybe he was nodding out. I grew up around addicts and addicts were the only people I knew who could fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. I just didn’t have any proof.
Clifford and I had been basically living together for one month. We would leave out for work together and then come home together. However one day once Clifford and I got off work he told me that he was going to do a side job. He told me to take his work bag in the house with me, and he would come later. I was annoyed mostly because I wanted him to come home with me right at that moment. I just wanted to be up underneath him even if I spent the night watching him sleep.
Once I got in the house Clifford called and asked me to look in his bag and tell him how he was supposed to take his medication. He told me that he wasn’t feeling well. I read his medication and saw that it was suboxone. I told him to take it under his tongue and then he said he would see me in a few. I knew I was right Clifford was addicted to drugs. His drug of choice was pills and he was taking suboxone to help him recover. I looked up the side effects of suboxone and realized it could make you extremely sick, and that most people then get addicted to suboxone.
Once Clifford came home he told me that he was addicted to opioids specifically Percocet. He told me he would crush them up and sniff them up his nose. “That’s why you’re the sleepiest person I know” I said to him. I also knew that’s why he didn’t have his kids. He would see them spend time with them and spend money on them, but he didn’t have them full time. I thought it was good that he was trying to end his addiction but I knew he wasn’t doing it the right way.
“You can’t take a pill to beat a pill addiction” is what I said to him. After that conversation I didn’t see Clifford for a couple days. He said that he was sick throwing up. I knew it was a side effect of the drugs.
When I heard from Clifford again he told me that he was checking himself into an inpatient rehab facility. I was proud of him for making the choice to try and get clean. I also knew that it was a high possibility that Clifford would relapse several times before he actually got clean.
Once Clifford went to rehab I realized that we never had sex. We never even kissed. It was like we laid in bed together and that was it nothing more ever happened. I’m not big on kissing so I didn’t mind that much, but the sex part bothered me. I’m not a sex addicted but I believe an organism a day keeps the stress away. I realized that I was so happy to have found my “soulmate” that I let my needs slide. Clifford couldn’t have sex with me he couldn’t even stay up long enough to do so literally.
My initial numerology reading said that my soulmate would have the sex drive of a lion and would please me in every way possible. I knew that had to be right because I would not settle for less. I’m the kind of girl that needs to go rounds.
After being in rehab for 4 days Clifford called me and he sounded awake. He sounded alive. He explained he developed an addiction as a way to cope with being falsely accused of murder and arrested so many times. He also told me that he was using his addiction to cope with losing the mother of his children. I think it was all too much for Clifford and he just grew up way too fast. He turned to drugs to cope and that is never the right thing to do, but it is the easy thing to do. Clifford advised me that he was enrolled in a 28 day program and when he got out he was going to come back home to me.
He also said that he could tell that I wanted sex and when he was clean we would finally make love. He said I could sense that what you needed but the drugs wouldn’t let me do it. I understood what he was saying and told him to get clean and then come see me.
While Clifford was away at rehab I put our information into The Pattern App. The app said that we had a powerful connection basically it said that we were soulmates. “It said that Clifford would feel like someone I had known for a long time. Right away I would feel loyal to him. The pattern app said it would feel like Clifford and I were fated to meet.” It also said that “from the first sexual connection it would feel like we already knew how to make love to each other. It would feel like we were picking up where we left off.”
I reflected back to the numerology reading. I knew the sex between Clifford and I was supposed to be magically I just didn’t know why it never happened. The pattern app said that Clifford and I knew each other from a past life and our relationship would feel like two old friends reconnecting. It really felt that way. That was the feeling with Clifford I couldn’t explain and the need to be around him. Clifford is a Libra and I am a Gemini. The signs also said we were extremely compatible.
However after less than 2 week Clifford signed himself out of rehab. Something in me told me that he would do that but I was happy that he stayed long enough to get the drugs semi out of his system. I was happy that he tried to fix the problem. I was just happy to have him home again.
“Maybe I’ll get some sober Dick” I thought to myself.
When Clifford came back to me it was different. It was like sober Clifford was sneaky and I didn’t like that at all. For example before Clifford went to rehab his phone did not have a lock on it. I remembered because he questioned me about the lock on my phone and said he wanted to have his finger print in my phone. I didn’t know why all of a sudden there was a lock on his phone but I didn’t trust it. I also didn’t want to lose Clifford. So I kept my feelings to myself because I did not want to appear to be crazy and drive Clifford away. I didn’t want to appear like I had low self-esteem or I was worried about other women. However something in my soul told me that sober Clifford was up to something,
One week after I noticed the lock on his phone Clifford told me that he wanted to buy a new pair of air max. Air max are my favorite shoes and Clifford said that they were also his favorite shoes as well. Clifford also told me that he bought food stamps from his ex-girlfriend and her EBT card went to his house. I had so many questions because his ex-having her food stamp card sent to his house was strange.
One morning I woke up and someone had been sending Clifford very long text messages. When he woke up it was like he was reading a book. I looked over his shoulders and could see paragraph after paragraph coming into his phone. He quickly responded and closed the phone. Once he went to the bathroom to get ready his phone kept going off. I picked up his phone but the screen did not display the messages the screen literally said “text message locked” and required a code. All I could see was there text was coming in but I could not see who they were coming in from or what they said because of the block.
My gut told me Clifford was up to something. I thought maybe he met a girl in rehab and they fell in love. I didn’t know what to believe honestly. I felt heartbroken to be honest. All this time Clifford was telling me that he loved me but clearly his heart was somewhere else. Somewhere with whoever was texting him paragraph after paragraph at six in the morning. However still I did not react and tried to remain calm.
I didn’t want to run Clifford off because when I get mad I get big mad and I knew Clifford had never seen that side of me. I knew that if I got mad at Clifford he would no longer look at me the way he did before, and I knew if I got mad I would try to kill Clifford. I will never let a man play with my emotions I can’t. It triggers something in me and I see red. Clifford was in the streets but he really wasn’t ready for Kadejah. He really didn’t want this smoke. So I ignored the messages.
The following night Clifford and I were laying in the bed when his phone began to ring back to back to back. My heart began to race. Clifford answered the phone “what yo” he said. I could hear a female voice in the background crying. When I tell you the lady was crying I could hear her hyperventilating.
“What did I do wrong? Why are you doing me like this? Why?” she asked. It wasn’t a FaceTime call but I could see her face. I saw the tears I saw the snot, I heard it all.
“You didn’t do anything wrong yo I’m just a different person and ready to move on” Clifford said. Once he said that the girl began to cry even hardened. I heard her gasping for air. She sounded like he just stuck a knife through her chest. I am a woman and I knew that cry she loved Clifford. She really loved Clifford the man in the bed with me.
Clifford told me that he hadn’t dated in 2 years. Clearly that was a lie because that cry told me those emotions were fresh emotions. The fact that she spent the whole day sending paragraphs let me know her and Clifford were together and that relationship was not over 2 years ago. That relationship wasn’t even over 2 weeks ago he was with her. I knew from the tears she loved him. I knew from the fact that he was trying to explain to her nicely that the relationship was over he cared for her, and this relationship was just ending.
How fucking dare him sit in my bed and talk to his ex I thought to myself. Stab him is what was going through my mind. “But I love him” is all I kept saying.
“Please don’t do me like this Mookie please don’t leave me. I’ll buy you the Airmax I’ll buy you a new car please don’t do this” the girl said through her tears.
“Not the airmax he just told me he wanted to buy” I thought to myself seeing red at this point. Clifford just told me he wanted the new air max and she said she would buy them for him. He had been talking to this girl recently this wasn’t an ex from 2 years ago. This man was a lair.
Clifford hung up the phone with his crying boo. As soon as he hung the phone up I could hear Bing from text messages coming into his phone. His phone began to ring nonstop. The crying girl was not going to let him go that easily.
I was stuck and I didn’t know what to do. A part of me wanted to kill Clifford dead in my damn bed for playing in my damn face. I was so angry. Another part of me wanted him to tell that it was the wrong number and he was just playing along. I wanted him to tell me anything at this point, but he didn’t. He didn’t say a word, and neither did I. I just went to sleep and he went to sleep. Later on in the night he held me like nothing happened. I laid there in his arms wide awake. It all made sense now why we never had sex. I knew no man would go months without sex and now I knew he was sleeping with whoever was crying on the phone. How could he do this I thought to myself. How could he just break my heart without a care in the world? Why did she have to mention the airmax? Why couldn’t I just let it go and forget about it? Why was I letting her tears tear me apart inside while Clifford slept peacefully? Why didn’t I stab him in his sleep or get ghetto, why did I just let him sleep? I had never been in this predicament before I met Clifford. Usually a guy mistreats me and I react, but a part of me didn’t want to push Clifford away.
The next morning we woke up and went to work as usual. All during the day I kept hearing the girl cry in my head. Clifford broke my trust.
“I’m moving to Canada tomorrow” I texted him.
“Ok” he texted back.
“Come get your shit cause if not it will get locked in” I texted him.
“Ok” he texted back.
“Matter fact don’t come get your stuff I’ll bring it to you. I never want you in my house again” I texted back.
“Ok” he texted back once more.
Ok that’s all this man has to say to me after everything. Ok that’s all I was worth.
“Give me my inhaler back, you’re not going around breathing air with other bitches using my inhaler” I said. I really don’t know why I said that. I just was so mad and wanted a reaction. He was not reacting at all. It was making me crazier.
“You really tripping, and I’m trying not to feed into you Kadejah. If you mad about last night you should have known that was nothing” he replied.
“Give me my inhaler. NVM keep it just stay away from me forever” I responded.
I left work that day still angry, but sad I was going home without Clifford. “I shouldn’t have said anything” I thought to myself. “I should’ve stabbed him last night” I thought to myself. “Fuck him” I thought to myself. “Damn I really do love and care about this man” I thought to myself. “Damn I never felt this way before” I thought to myself as I began to cry.
What if I overreacted and it wasn’t anything serious. I didn’t ask any questions, I just reacted. “You’re going to be alone forever” I thought to myself as I laid down in bed and fell asleep.
I woke up later from my sleep and saw text messages from Clifford.
“Damn Kadejah I never thought you would switch up on me” he said.
“I never thought you would play me Mookie” I texted back.
“I didn’t play you that was my ex she was mad because I told her I couldn’t fuck with her anymore and I told her about you” he texted back.
“You been told me you cut everybody off. And you told me you hadn’t dated anyone in 2 years yo” I texted back.
“I did not tell you that Kadejah me and her was just together in March” he said.
I thought back to March when I first started coming to the food truck. I thought back to him being in my bed with me. I was so hurt, but I loved him. I have never felt like that before in my life. I loved him but we never slept together. We never slept together because he was sleeping with the “ex” from “March”
“You did but maybe you was high” I said.
“O now I was high” he responded.
“I didn’t mean it like that”.
“Goodnight I love you” he said.
After that I didn’t see Clifford for a while maybe a month or two. I didn’t really talk to him either. My life went back to pre Clifford days and I started talking to my on again off again once more. I needed some dick. I needed some head. I missed Clifford.
Maybe numerology was wrong because that pointed me to Clifford. Maybe the pattern app was wrong because that said Clifford and I were soulmates. Maybe astrology was wrong and a Gemini and a Libra make a horrible match. Maybe I was wrong for telling him I was going to Canada. That was childish. I was trying to guard my heart and not be crazy. All I knew for sure was Clifford was wrong for laying in the bed with me and answering that phone. I couldn’t deny that, but I couldn’t stop missing him either.
To be continued…
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Just Journee 