Dumb & Looking for Mr. Right

The morning after I pushed Jo into the wall, we woke up next to each other like the toxicity of the night be never happened. He woke up and went to work like normal and so did I until I walked into my closet and saw a hole big enough to fit a small bear. The relationship between Jo and I was good until it was bad and then it was hell. A livable hell, but a hell none the less.

Three days later Josyn didn’t come home from work for two days. He didn’t call or text me to make up a lie like before he just broke off all communication. He left home on a Wednesday and never came back. The longest Jo had ever stayed away from home was 2 days and he would always come back with a ridiculous unbelievable story. So, when Thursday night came around and Jo still didn’t communicate with me, I knew that Friday Jo would call me with a tragic story and ready to come home, but not this time. I blocked him on social media from messaging me and calling me.

Friday night came and I still hadn’t heard from Jo. I went to his social media just to make sure he was good. Something was different because Jo would usually reach out me and he hadn’t. I went to Jo’s social media and realized that I was blocked on every social media even twitter and I don’t even know how to use Twitter. I tried calling Jo’s phones and I was blocked on every number he had ever had. That’s when it hit me that Jo ghosted me. He blocked me out of his life. 

The whole weekend passed, and I didn’t hear from Jo. I didn’t cry because my closet was still filled with his clothes, his cologne, and his shoes. I decided that Monday if Jo was going to leave me, he needed to take everything. Why sneak out like a thief in the night and not take your stuff?  Jo wanted to leave a foot in the door with me just in case he needed or wanted to come back. He could always come back to me where he left a whole wardrobe, or so he thought. 

Monday came and I packed up everything that even reminded me of Jo. I took the sheets off the bed that still smelled like him. I went to Jo’s job to drop off his clothes. I was calling and texting him to let him know I was coming but he never got the text because he blocked me. When I got to Jo’s job he was in his office, and I came in and shut the door behind me. It was funny because although Jo ghosted me he looked like he saw a ghost when I walked into his office.

“What’s up” I said to him looking him straight into the eyes. My body was shaking I was angry, but so hurt at the same time.

“What you mean? You can’t be here Dee” he said. 

“Where have you been? You were just going to ghost me and not say anything?” I asked.

“Obviously we haven’t been getting along” he said. As soon as the words left his mouth, I felt a wave of anger sweep over me. 

“What do you mean? I just washed your hair Sunday, and cooked dinner Monday. When was you going to tell me? Why do you always have to go the extra mile to hurt me? If you wanted to leave why not just say that and come, get your clothes?” I asked crying and shaking at this point.

“You put your hands on me. You shouldn’t have ever put your hands on me I don’t play those type of games. I never know when you’re going to go off and have one of your crazy moments and I can’t deal with crazy. You’re crazy Destinee” he said.

“I didn’t put my hands on you Josyn. You pulled a gun on me and aimed it at me twice, but I’m the crazy one here” I said with a sarcastic chuckle. It wasn’t funny how Josyn always chose to gas light me instead of being honest. 

“So you’re done with me?” I asked looking Jo in the eyes. A part of me hoped he would say he wasn’t done with me and that he would come back home. 

“I’m not saying that Dee I just need sometime. I need a break” he said.

“You need a break from me?” I asked tears flowing uncontrollable at this point. The idea of Jo needing a break from me broke my already broken mental. I needed a break from him. I wish I never met him. I was so jealous of Jo in that moment. Selfish people are always the smartest people, and I am just a stupid over giver. I just allow people to take and take from me until there is nothing left, and that’s what Jo did.

I wished I was the type of person who could always put myself first. I wasn’t that person I was a pleaser and a giver. I would give until I had nothing to give left. Jo wasn’t wrong for being selfish and putting his self first every time. It was me who was being selfless and stupid. It was me lowering myself and my vibrations to deal with a man who didn’t respect, value or deserve me. Why would he value me I wasn’t even valuing myself?

“I love you Destinee. I got my own place. I just need some time to think clearly. You can keep the clothes unless they are taking up too much space. You didn’t have to bring them here” he said.

“So, you want space and a break from me but you want me to keep space for your clothes and shoes? Make it makes sense” I thought to myself, but the words didn’t come out of my mouth.

“You shouldn’t have put your hands on me. My family mad because I don’t want to get them involved in this, but they mad. You shouldn’t have put your hands on me. I have scratch marks all over me” he repeated.

“You used me, and now you don’t need me anymore, so you just discard me like trash” I said. 

“Used you for what? I paid the bills you don’t even pay your own bills. How did I use you but I paid your bills?” he replied.

“So, it’s me. I ran you away from me. Please don’t do this to me right now Jo. I tried so hard I have so much love for you” I said.

“I said I need time to think. It’s me not you. You always think everything is about you. I’m going to start going to counseling I need to find out why I treat people the way that I treat them. The last thing I ever waned to do was hurt you Destinee I love you” he repeated.

“You did hurt me” I said, before walking out of his office. Truth moment he really didn’t care how ghosting me made me feel. He never really cared too much about how his actions hurt me or made me feel.

Once I walked out of his office Jo followed behind me. 

“I love you Destinee. Give me a hug” he said. I looked back and Jo looked hurt, and I saw a tear fall down his cheek. I just kept walking. I didn’t hug Jo nor did I tell him I loved him back. I was hurt so hurt that the emotional pain began to feel physical. My throat began to feel sore, and I had a migraine from crying.

Once I left his job I felt like a piece of my heart was ripped out and stomped on, and I felt everything with no pain medicine.

Jo and I were a toxic match honestly. I prayed several times and asked God to take Jo out of my life if he wasn’t who I was supposed to be with. I kept praying and asking God to either fix our relationship, or to end the relationship because I wasn’t strong enough to walk away from Jo.

Be careful what you ask for because once my prayers were answered I felt like I was in the boxing ring with Muhammad Ali, George Foreman and Gervonta Tank Davis and I was the punching bag.

Once I got back to my house, I realized that I did get rid of every ounce of Josyn. Not a sock was left in my home. If him staying out and blocking me was not a clear sign that it was over being in an empty house was a cosmic update that I couldn’t stomach. 

“Girl he didn’t get his own space he with one of those girls you seen in his phone” my friend said.

“He said he was by himself he just needed space” I said.

“I told you once he started staying out he was looking for another place to stay. That man wants to do what he wants to do” my friend said.

“Cheat” I said and then I busted out laughing. 

“Yes, girl and you won’t let that man have his cake and eat it too in peace and quiet. All he wants to do is to eat his cake quietly” she said laughing.

“He’s right though we both need some space. I don’t know how I got so lost in that man. I must figure out how to live without Josyn. I just been so wrapped up in him and trying to get him to love me how I loved him unconditionally. 

“Girl don’t wait too long, because you know they say after a woman turns 35 if she single that’s how she will spend the rest of her life. Girl you pushing it find someone and settle down. No relationship will be perfect, but you are going to put up with something. You need to stop trying to live out a ghetto fairy romance novel. This is real life and the real world” she said.

“Well, if this is the real world, I hate it here. I understand that everyone comes with baggage or flaws. I’m messy its always a mess. I could date a guy that left the toilet seat up. I could date a man that left his dirty clothes on the floor after a shower. I can’t deal with cheating. I don’t know how you girls do it, but I can’t deal with it” I said.

I couldn’t deal with cheating and lying, and I wasn’t even going to pretend like I could. I tired to ignore Jo’s indiscretions, but I couldn’t. 

“What you going to do sis?” she asked.

“I am going to give him 60 days. He can go to therapy, and I am going to therapy too. I need to figure out why I just keep attracting the wrong men. However, if he is not back in 60 days we are going to kidnap him and keep him in my basement until he learns how to act” I said.

“60 days and then we are coming for his ass” she said. We both started laughing before we ended the call. 

I needed to do some soul searching. The truth was I wanted Jo back, but I knew in my soul that he shouldn’t come back. Jo leaving isn’t what hurt me. Repeatedly accepting less than I was worth from Jo hurt me. I had to face the fact that I was not getting any younger. I was in my mid-30s and being single in your 30s is scary. What if I never found anyone else, I thought to myself. 

I couldn’t imagine being 35 and asking a man to tell me his favorite color. I couldn’t even imagine being 34 and meeting another man’s mother. Dating wasn’t something that I wanted to do. They say 30 is the new 20, but is it really? Lyfe said it was the “same ol 30” and I was starting to agree. 

I thought about making a dating app profile. 

“This ain’t for you” I thought as I quickly deleted the profile before fully publishing it. 

You have 60 days. I thought to myself as I finally drifted off to sleep alone, broken and tired.

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